Christ taking out the bad influences.

               After my divorce and becoming disabled Christ was working in my life even though I had still cursed his name. I don’t know why he did aside from his Grace, Love and Mercy knowing no bounds. He started removing the bad influences from my life. The same friends I cursed Gods name with decided to abandon me when I was weak and hurting as I was no fun anymore. This gave Jesus more of a chance to start changing my situation.

               Those that I cursed God with left and funny enough the people that praised God came into my life. While I didn’t listen to them about God, they were there with an ear to listen to my problems and give me advice and help. They planted the seeds for God in my time of suffering.

Christ bringing in the good influences.                 

               I mentioned before that I couldn’t live with my father due to issues. This was part of Gods plan as my father was a strict atheist and my mother was a Christian. I am thankful for my mother taking me in and helping me out with raising my son. He needed her as much as he needed me and at the time his mother couldn’t be bothered to see him unfortunately but having my mother there was a blessing for me and my son.

               There were other good influences in my life. Funny enough old co-workers that I had worked with at the library district as well as some new people and friends that wouldn’t give up on me.

               Gayle Dugan, Vicky Moore, Robin Mitchell were all old co-workers that stayed in contact with me and helped me through my struggles by just being a friend to me. Positive people I needed in my life to just be there in my suffering and show me that I had some worth.

Other Christians would come and go in my life, but the same message would resonate from each of them; Jesus loves you. I didn’t listen because my own hard headedness and remembering the pain that I went through with the Mormons and their words echoing in my mind that God hated me. I wish now that I had listened better but in truth each time it did something to me. Planting the seeds.

My earthly Rock       

A member of my ex-wife’s family ended up being a solid rock in this time as well. Patricia Keptner, who was my ex – brother-in-law’s wife was always there for me to talk to and encourage me.

She was always there for me, no matter what the issues were or what time it was, she would pick up the phone and talk to me and get me feeling better. Her husband Ted also stayed my friend throughout the whole thing as well. He didn’t abandon me when his siblings did. I am thankful for them in my life, and they have been ride-or-die friends for a very long time.

Pattie may be rough around the edges, but she has a heart of gold. She cares about her friends, and she stands by them no matter what happens.

Ted right now is missing but as soon as I can find him, I need to go minister to him as he has turned away from God unfortunately. I still see Pattie, Ted, and Teds son as my adopted family.

Working through the pain in my life

               For 13 years I was disabled and struggling. It was a slow process to get myself to where I am today. At one point I had a nagging feeling that the diagnosis of Bipolar was incorrect as none of the treatment was working and all the drugs only made me worse and worse. I wouldn’t learn until after Christs visit that he was the one pushing me to look in different areas for a solution.

               Eventually I gave in and started talking to extended family members and found all the men in my father’s family had one issue. Hypogonadism (low testosterone levels) – I started searching for someone to test me and went through a few doctors until I convinced one to run a test and I would just pay cash for it. He did it I think to shut me up but it came back I was low.

               He sent me to an endocrinologist who confirmed the test and started treatment. I saw immediate effects of this and not exactly in a positive way.

               The other medications for bipolar started producing horrible side effects and I started to back off them one by one until I stopped taking each medication. I was seeing an improvement in my mood and the fog in my mind started to clear up. This angered the psychiatrists but hey #SorryNotSorry..lol. The big thing was I was improving while on the testosterone without the bipolar medications.

               Odd thing that after some time off that medication I was starting to have emotions of caring again. No one ever told me that the medication would make me not care about others or it would suppress the need for others.

               The one downfall is the last medication I was on was a benzodiazepine. It was horrible to go off of myself but the doctors wouldn’t help me with a plan of going off of it so I was forced to do it myself. It was like being tortured each time I would reduce the dosage. I went through chills and fevers as well as not being able to move for several days. For two years after I went off of the medication, I could not sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. I still have damage from this as I lost all my physical strength going through that and still haven’t gotten it back yet. I have faith God will help me through this issue as well in his good timing.

Going back to school and getting employed

               Since I was getting better, I decided to try to get on my feet again. I ended up going back to college for a Computer Information Systems Sciences degree (CISS) at Columbia college. I worked hard every day to get through my classes and ended up on the dean’s list for most of my semesters.

               Each class was grueling, but something kept pushing me forward. I needed my son to see that disability wasn’t the way to go through life. I needed him to see that I could still move forward and get better and try to make a new life for myself. Little did I know at the time that God was helping me every step of the way.

               I graduated in 2019 with my bachelor’s and while it took me two years, I eventually found a job in Columbia Missouri with IBM of all companies. Funny thing is the first computer I ever bought was an IBM PC XT (5150) when I was in high school in the 1990’s. It cost me 50 bucks, which I really didn’t have but it came with a dot matrix printer and was powerful enough I could type up reports and with a few motherboard and case replacements it was running windows.

Screaming to God for death

Before I found my job and before I came to Jesus, I remember one point that I had given up. I had recently graduated from college and was having a hard time finding employment. I was feeling very depressed and suicidal. I went for a walk on the farm and while I was in the woods crying to myself, I sat by a tree. I looked up at the heavens and said something (can’t remember my exact words) “God if you hate me this much why don’t you just kill me. Destroy me completely and utterly and erase me from existence so that I either never exist or even my soul doesn’t exist anymore.”

               In that moment I know God heard me, but this is one of the times I am thankful that God said “No”. He could have easily made this happen, but he knew I would come back to him, and he already had a plan to prosper me into a job so I could get off disability.

               You may be thinking that I deserved that fate that I asked for and you are right I definitely did but I’m glad in that moment that God showered me with his Grace and Mercy. If he had done what I asked I would have never known Jesus and find the happiness that trust in Jesus has brought me.

               I guess there are two points here. The first being that God will always try to help you in your time of need even though you don’t deserve it and secondly that his plans are always better than our plans. If he had done what I would have asked I would have been happy with it. Well, I guess I wouldn’t have been if I didn’t exist anymore but I’m glad he answered with a firm no.

               Through his love for me he did prosper me. It wasn’t soon afterwards that I had an offer from IBM to join their team as a contractor. A company I had followed since I was a kid wanted me to work for them. God guiding me on the path he wanted me to walk. A path I didn’t deserve. He helped me even though I cursed his name because how great he is and how he can love every sinner and how he wants to help every sinner have a better life.

Started reading the bible.

               I still had depression and loneliness problems but the spring of 2021 I decided to start reading the bible just to see what was in there. I was getting a push from somewhere to do that. I had questions and still could hear the things I was told when I was younger circling around in my mind and wanted the answer to the question of did God hate me or did, he love me like the Christians said he did.

               I started reading online but ended up buying a bible from Amazon. I spent time in the Old Testament going through Genesis and Exodus but eventually felt a strong push to read the New Testament.

               For the first time in my life, I was able to read the words using a simple translation (NIV) bible that wasn’t the King James Version I had so much problems with (and still do). The thing is I knew the story of Christ’s life and death that had been told to me, but something started to grow in me as I read the actual words. I found a truth denied to me by myself and the enemy for so many years. The truth that Christians told me, but I would just not let myself believe.
              

               The truth that Jesus does loves me completely and unconditionally.

Turning away from Christ – Big Mistake

When I was a kid, my family was Mormon (LDS) because my stepfather was one. He would take us to church, and I had bad experiences in that church that I won’t get into detail here but the way I was treated caused me to question God’s existence and his love for me. Compound that the Mormons told me that God hated me because of stupid things that only they think are a sin and I ended up walking away because of the worldly lie that God hated me.

               How could I believe in a God that hated me over things that seemed nonsensical. I didn’t search for him myself which looking back at it I should have done but my faith was so weak because no one would answer any questions and people would treat me badly when I did ask that I just decided to not even try.

               This was the biggest mistake in my life. Walking away from God over things man would claim instead of seeking him through his word. One hinderance to this was the fact that I had a very hard time understanding the KJV bible due to the ancient English dialects (I can’t even read Shakespear) and no one would help me with the understanding. Mormons are not forgiving anyone who questions Gods word, even if it is just trying to clarify what is said due to understanding issues. I didn’t even think to look for other translations and I really wish I had.

After Turning away – my life taking a bad turn

Turning away from God was the single biggest mistake in my life as it lead to all the other mistakes in my life. Do I think I would have been perfect if I had stayed and sought God? No, only Jesus was perfect, and we can’t be that image of perfection but at least I would have hopefully made less worldly mistakes.

I tried to find comfort in worldly things: Money, sex (luckily only with my wife of the time, porn, etcetera. I tried drinking but even in that time I think God was trying to watch over me. I never felt any pleasure from drinking and never felt any sort of high feeling, so I never sought out drugs.

I ended up with a family when I was too young and marrying a pagan woman who hated God. I cursed Gods name on a daily basis because I believed he hated me. I was so much like Saul in the way I showed hatred towards anything religious and anything that even resembled God. Now I can look back and see how foolish I was. It brings me great shame remembering the things I did and the things I would say. God, please forgive me.

Nothing I found would fill that emptiness that was in my heart. I had momentary pleasures as I had the family that I had wanted all my life.’ I had wanted to be a father and a husband since I was a little kid. Partially because I wanted to be a better father and husband than my dad was. He wasn’t around when I was young, and I ended up with an abusive stepfather but that is a story for another time.

My heart would grow harder by the day. I wasn’t finding satisfaction with anything I would do or anything I would try. I couldn’t fill that hole no matter what I tried. I grew angry and selfish and very cocky. Add to this a (bad) diagnosis of bipolar disorder and a bunch of prescriptions that didn’t help anything and just made me more unstable the more drugs the doctors pumped into my body, and it was a recipe of disaster.

In 2007 I became disabled due to the bad diagnosis. Everything came crashing down in a span of 3 months. I lost my job, my belongings, my home, and even my family as my wife was unfaithful and took my kids away from me. I eventually was able to get my son back from my wife after she basically discarded him due to his autism. I thank God for giving him back to me now. It gave me purpose to start to be able to try to crawl out of the hole I had dug for myself.

I was in constant pain.

               With the loss of my family, home, job. I was adrift with no purpose and a man needs purpose. I ended up living with my mother and on disability. I had tried to live with my father but that only worked for 6 months as he doesn’t understand the type of pain, I was in.

               After 6 months my wife had left the area, I was in with my kids. I tried to move to the city she was in so I could be near my kids but had to leave as I could not find work and my mother was in an accident and needed someone to drive her around for work. My ex-wife wouldn’t let me see my kids either so all that fell apart.

               My mind was keeping me in constant pain and fear. I had developed severe depression over the years and a hatred for myself that cannot be rivaled by anything on this earth. I kept harming myself by cutting to try and relieve the pain. It was only for moments that it helped but at that point a moment without the mental anguish was some relief.

               I was living in a constant state of wanting to just scream at the world. Wanting to take my failures out on others constantly. Thankfully I never did and was able to turn the hatred internally, so I never harmed anyone. well except the guy I found my ex-wife with, he and I got into a fight once and I ended up on probation for that one.

The Nightmares

               When I was a kid, I started to have the most horrible nightmares and day terrors. Sometimes I would see monsters crawling on the walls of my schools or see skeletons and demons at the end of my bed at night.

               I had nightmares that were either mental or physical torture.

               One of the worst ones I ever experienced was where I was tied to a poll with my hands above me and everyone I knew: friend, family, foe. Would come along and cut strips of my flesh off my body and then eat it laughing.

               My dreams were so bad and so realistic that I could smell the blood in the air and feel it run down my body and feel the stickiness of it when I was touched. I could feel the texture of the rope and the hardness of the poll. Every slice was anguished and the throbbing after the flesh was gone was completely horrible.

               20+ years the enemy tortured me this way. Every night was a different hell.

God returning purpose to my life.

               I was in a bad way but now that I look back at things, I can see the influence God has had in my life. In that pain I was in he decided to return some purpose into my life.

               One day my ex-wife called me and said something that actually brought me joy and sadness all in one. On that call she said “Come get this kid” to which I gratefully did.

               I am going to try and not go into details, but God brought my son back into my life. I spent time working on him and getting him back into treatment for his Aspergers and concentration problems. Within one month of having him back I had enrolled him into school and got him back on his meds and the result was he was back to making straight A’s again.

               After 6 months of hearing how good he was doing my ex tried to take him back, but I refused. Thankfully he has been with me since. My son brought back to me so God could restore purpose into my life and give me something to work towards. Thank you, Jesus!

I was asked by several people to write out my testimony. At first, I was uneasy in putting my experiences to work but the Spirit has given me strength to open up about my life and what had happened in it. The more I write the more the spirit pulls on me to tell you everything so you can understand that Jesus can save you just like he saved me.

               It is my hope that my words here and my willingness to allow you to see what happened in my past life, when I was living for the world, will help you realize that we cannot do it alone. Every person on this world needs Jesus. It doesn’t matter what walk of life you come from, if you are rich or poor, introvert or extrovert, in suffering or in joy. We all need Jesus to save us.

               I hope if your heart is hardened towards Jesus and his love for you that maybe my words here will help you understand how much he loves you and how much he wants to help you have a better life. Realize as well that Jesus doesn’t guarantee an easy life but with the heart, he gives you he will help you concentrate on what truly matters in your life and he will give you strength with every step you take with him.

                              He will change your heart but do not be afraid. My heart was hard before he came to me, but he has saved me from a hell of my own creation. He loves you more than you can ever realize and when you are sad, he is sad and when you hurt, he feels your pain. He wants so much for you to know him and his love for you, so I hope with these words you decide to seek him and trust in him. We cannot do this alone, but he gives us help even when we feel we are helpless.

               You have probably heard that Jesus is the way, the truth, and the light (John 14:6) and it is the truth. I hope you find him if you haven’t found him, and I hope that if you do know him reading this will help you strengthen your bond with him seeing how much he loved me to go to great lengths to save a sinner that completely and utterly deserves to be cast into the pit.

I do not write these words for my own glory but for the glory of God alone. Do not praise me for anything but praise Jesus for his work in my life and see how he saved another sinner from certain death. I want you to know him better from what he did for me and how he brought me out of the darkness I was drowning in. Jesus is the light in the darkness by you must take his hand for him to pull you out of your own darkness.

I did not deserve God’s Grace and Mercy, but he gives it so willingly. He gave it to me even before I knew him because as a father, he wants the best for his children, and he will try to help nudge us in the right direction so hopefully we will seek him someday. He will never force himself on you and you do need to be willing to take his hand.

In Jesus name I pray that you take his hand and allow him to do the work in your life to help you through your pain and carry you through any storm you may face. I also pray that you don’t have to go through what I did before you accept him. Some of us (me especially) are so hardheaded (and hearted) that it takes great suffering before we open our heart to him.