Before I found my job and before I came to Jesus, I remember one point that I had given up. I had recently graduated from college and was having a hard time finding employment. I was feeling very depressed and suicidal. I went for a walk on the farm and while I was in the woods crying to myself, I sat by a tree. I looked up at the heavens and said something (can’t remember my exact words) “God if you hate me this much why don’t you just kill me. Destroy me completely and utterly and erase me from existence so that I either never exist or even my soul doesn’t exist anymore.”
In that moment I know God heard me, but this is one of the times I am thankful that God said “No”. He could have easily made this happen, but he knew I would come back to him, and he already had a plan to prosper me into a job so I could get off disability.
You may be thinking that I deserved that fate that I asked for and you are right I definitely did but I’m glad in that moment that God showered me with his Grace and Mercy. If he had done what I asked I would have never known Jesus and find the happiness that trust in Jesus has brought me.
I guess there are two points here. The first being that God will always try to help you in your time of need even though you don’t deserve it and secondly that his plans are always better than our plans. If he had done what I would have asked I would have been happy with it. Well, I guess I wouldn’t have been if I didn’t exist anymore but I’m glad he answered with a firm no.
Through his love for me he did prosper me. It wasn’t soon afterwards that I had an offer from IBM to join their team as a contractor. A company I had followed since I was a kid wanted me to work for them. God guiding me on the path he wanted me to walk. A path I didn’t deserve. He helped me even though I cursed his name because how great he is and how he can love every sinner and how he wants to help every sinner have a better life.