Christ taking out the bad influences.

               After my divorce and becoming disabled Christ was working in my life even though I had still cursed his name. I don’t know why he did aside from his Grace, Love and Mercy knowing no bounds. He started removing the bad influences from my life. The same friends I cursed Gods name with decided to abandon me when I was weak and hurting as I was no fun anymore. This gave Jesus more of a chance to start changing my situation.

               Those that I cursed God with left and funny enough the people that praised God came into my life. While I didn’t listen to them about God, they were there with an ear to listen to my problems and give me advice and help. They planted the seeds for God in my time of suffering.

Christ bringing in the good influences.                 

               I mentioned before that I couldn’t live with my father due to issues. This was part of Gods plan as my father was a strict atheist and my mother was a Christian. I am thankful for my mother taking me in and helping me out with raising my son. He needed her as much as he needed me and at the time his mother couldn’t be bothered to see him unfortunately but having my mother there was a blessing for me and my son.

               There were other good influences in my life. Funny enough old co-workers that I had worked with at the library district as well as some new people and friends that wouldn’t give up on me.

               Gayle Dugan, Vicky Moore, Robin Mitchell were all old co-workers that stayed in contact with me and helped me through my struggles by just being a friend to me. Positive people I needed in my life to just be there in my suffering and show me that I had some worth.

Other Christians would come and go in my life, but the same message would resonate from each of them; Jesus loves you. I didn’t listen because my own hard headedness and remembering the pain that I went through with the Mormons and their words echoing in my mind that God hated me. I wish now that I had listened better but in truth each time it did something to me. Planting the seeds.

My earthly Rock       

A member of my ex-wife’s family ended up being a solid rock in this time as well. Patricia Keptner, who was my ex – brother-in-law’s wife was always there for me to talk to and encourage me.

She was always there for me, no matter what the issues were or what time it was, she would pick up the phone and talk to me and get me feeling better. Her husband Ted also stayed my friend throughout the whole thing as well. He didn’t abandon me when his siblings did. I am thankful for them in my life, and they have been ride-or-die friends for a very long time.

Pattie may be rough around the edges, but she has a heart of gold. She cares about her friends, and she stands by them no matter what happens.

Ted right now is missing but as soon as I can find him, I need to go minister to him as he has turned away from God unfortunately. I still see Pattie, Ted, and Teds son as my adopted family.

Working through the pain in my life

               For 13 years I was disabled and struggling. It was a slow process to get myself to where I am today. At one point I had a nagging feeling that the diagnosis of Bipolar was incorrect as none of the treatment was working and all the drugs only made me worse and worse. I wouldn’t learn until after Christs visit that he was the one pushing me to look in different areas for a solution.

               Eventually I gave in and started talking to extended family members and found all the men in my father’s family had one issue. Hypogonadism (low testosterone levels) – I started searching for someone to test me and went through a few doctors until I convinced one to run a test and I would just pay cash for it. He did it I think to shut me up but it came back I was low.

               He sent me to an endocrinologist who confirmed the test and started treatment. I saw immediate effects of this and not exactly in a positive way.

               The other medications for bipolar started producing horrible side effects and I started to back off them one by one until I stopped taking each medication. I was seeing an improvement in my mood and the fog in my mind started to clear up. This angered the psychiatrists but hey #SorryNotSorry..lol. The big thing was I was improving while on the testosterone without the bipolar medications.

               Odd thing that after some time off that medication I was starting to have emotions of caring again. No one ever told me that the medication would make me not care about others or it would suppress the need for others.

               The one downfall is the last medication I was on was a benzodiazepine. It was horrible to go off of myself but the doctors wouldn’t help me with a plan of going off of it so I was forced to do it myself. It was like being tortured each time I would reduce the dosage. I went through chills and fevers as well as not being able to move for several days. For two years after I went off of the medication, I could not sleep for more than a few minutes at a time. I still have damage from this as I lost all my physical strength going through that and still haven’t gotten it back yet. I have faith God will help me through this issue as well in his good timing.

Going back to school and getting employed

               Since I was getting better, I decided to try to get on my feet again. I ended up going back to college for a Computer Information Systems Sciences degree (CISS) at Columbia college. I worked hard every day to get through my classes and ended up on the dean’s list for most of my semesters.

               Each class was grueling, but something kept pushing me forward. I needed my son to see that disability wasn’t the way to go through life. I needed him to see that I could still move forward and get better and try to make a new life for myself. Little did I know at the time that God was helping me every step of the way.

               I graduated in 2019 with my bachelor’s and while it took me two years, I eventually found a job in Columbia Missouri with IBM of all companies. Funny thing is the first computer I ever bought was an IBM PC XT (5150) when I was in high school in the 1990’s. It cost me 50 bucks, which I really didn’t have but it came with a dot matrix printer and was powerful enough I could type up reports and with a few motherboard and case replacements it was running windows.

Screaming to God for death

Before I found my job and before I came to Jesus, I remember one point that I had given up. I had recently graduated from college and was having a hard time finding employment. I was feeling very depressed and suicidal. I went for a walk on the farm and while I was in the woods crying to myself, I sat by a tree. I looked up at the heavens and said something (can’t remember my exact words) “God if you hate me this much why don’t you just kill me. Destroy me completely and utterly and erase me from existence so that I either never exist or even my soul doesn’t exist anymore.”

               In that moment I know God heard me, but this is one of the times I am thankful that God said “No”. He could have easily made this happen, but he knew I would come back to him, and he already had a plan to prosper me into a job so I could get off disability.

               You may be thinking that I deserved that fate that I asked for and you are right I definitely did but I’m glad in that moment that God showered me with his Grace and Mercy. If he had done what I asked I would have never known Jesus and find the happiness that trust in Jesus has brought me.

               I guess there are two points here. The first being that God will always try to help you in your time of need even though you don’t deserve it and secondly that his plans are always better than our plans. If he had done what I would have asked I would have been happy with it. Well, I guess I wouldn’t have been if I didn’t exist anymore but I’m glad he answered with a firm no.

               Through his love for me he did prosper me. It wasn’t soon afterwards that I had an offer from IBM to join their team as a contractor. A company I had followed since I was a kid wanted me to work for them. God guiding me on the path he wanted me to walk. A path I didn’t deserve. He helped me even though I cursed his name because how great he is and how he can love every sinner and how he wants to help every sinner have a better life.

Started reading the bible.

               I still had depression and loneliness problems but the spring of 2021 I decided to start reading the bible just to see what was in there. I was getting a push from somewhere to do that. I had questions and still could hear the things I was told when I was younger circling around in my mind and wanted the answer to the question of did God hate me or did, he love me like the Christians said he did.

               I started reading online but ended up buying a bible from Amazon. I spent time in the Old Testament going through Genesis and Exodus but eventually felt a strong push to read the New Testament.

               For the first time in my life, I was able to read the words using a simple translation (NIV) bible that wasn’t the King James Version I had so much problems with (and still do). The thing is I knew the story of Christ’s life and death that had been told to me, but something started to grow in me as I read the actual words. I found a truth denied to me by myself and the enemy for so many years. The truth that Christians told me, but I would just not let myself believe.
              

               The truth that Jesus does loves me completely and unconditionally.